I, for One, Welcome Our Rampaging Turkey Overlords

“Fear the drumstick!” (Globe Staff Photo/Mark Wilson)
Forget Al-Queda, protect us from marauding turkeys:

On a recent afternoon, Kettly Jean-Felix parked her car on Beacon Street in Brookline, fed the parking meter, wheeled around to go to the optician and came face to face with a wild turkey.
The turkey eyed Jean-Felix. Jean-Felix eyed the turkey. It gobbled. She gasped. Then the turkey proceeded to follow the Dorchester woman over the Green Line train tracks, across the street, through traffic, and all the way down the block, pecking at her backside as she went.
“This is so scary,” Jean-Felix said, finally taking refuge inside Cambridge Eye Doctors in Brookline’s bustling Washington Square. “I cannot explain it.”
Notify the neighbors: The turkeys are spreading through suburbia. Wild turkeys, once eliminated in Massachusetts, are flourishing from Plymouth to Concord and – to the surprise of some wildlife officials – making forays into densely populated suburban and urban areas, including parts of Boston, Cambridge and, most recently, Brookline.

It’s brutal–once you break eye contact, the turkeys know they own you. The only thing turkeys respect is strength. Consider the following:

September 4, 11:01 a.m., Chatham Circle and Chatham Street: Caller – who had gone under some beech trees to take a picture of turkeys – reports four turkeys chasing him. Requests animal control officer….
September 7, 7:39 a.m., Druce Street: Two packs of turkeys (15) in the road . . . Two not getting along….
Over an eight-hour stretch last week in Brookline, a lone turkey walked Beacon Street, strutting at times, preening at others, and napping every now and again in the landscaping near the sidewalk….
The problem, according to some Brookline residents, is that the turkeys can be aggressive at times. Dr. Ruth Smith, an internist from New York City, was staying with a cousin in Brookline a couple of weeks ago when she was stalked by what she describes as a 3-foot-tall turkey.
“He came at me and, at first, I tried to shoo him away,” Smith recalled. “I figured I’d just go ‘Shoo!’ and he’d go. But he was very aggressive.”
Smith said she escaped by ducking into the Dunkin’ Donuts on Beacon Street.

Not only are the turkeys disrupting our tourist industry, and, therefore, Our Way of Life, but they are even causing the breakdown of essential government services:

Brookline postal carrier Rosanne Lane said she has skipped houses on her mail route because turkeys dissuaded her from approaching.
“They make a lot of noise and I just take off,” said Lane.

This is unacceptable, but what is worse is that there are turkey sympathizers among us:

He tells people not to feed them, not to be intimidated by them, and to keep their distance. Still, some people cannot help themselves. They need to be near the turkeys.

They need to be near the turkeys? You are either for freedom or you are for the turkeys–there is no middle ground. To protect America, to protect your family, your children*, we need the following:

  1. A massive security barrier to prevent the turkeys from entering Massachusetts.
  2. Turkeys currently residing in Massachusetts will be rounded up and deported to Rhode Island, because Rhode Island is smaller than we are.
  3. More firepower. This is America–every problem can be solved by massive amounts of firepower. And maybe some citizens will be a little over-zealous and take out those fucking geese on the Esplanade.
  4. Cut taxes. What isn’t a good excuse for a tax cut?
  5. A non-competitive, cost-plus bid to a large defense contractor, preferably with ties to far-right theopolitical groups, to build the SuperBaster 9000:
    The SuperBaster 9000: United We Stand
    (from here)

The defense of freedom requires no less.
*What? You want fucking S-CHIP or something?
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14 Responses to I, for One, Welcome Our Rampaging Turkey Overlords

  1. Sven DiMilo says:

    There’s a flock that controls traffic on the cloverleaf at the Lynn exit from 128. There’s a Dunks there too. Coincidence?

  2. Wile Coyote says:

    They get in my way, they’re turkey pate, you know what I’m saying? A couple of coyotes would take care of the problem, and help control the geese too.
    We need to increase funding for the Acme Research Center.

  3. Andy says:

    In Davis, Calif. we have a flock of 30 or so that took over the city cemetery. They are bothering cemetery visitors, but the residents don’t mind.
    The turkeys apparently lost their fear of humans because people fed them and gobbled at them… it took a few run-ins with local TV news chasing them around the headstones to restore a proper respect for H. sapiens, and now they are much more wary.

  4. Stephanie says:

    Can’t we splice in the democrat party policy advisors gene for political cohesion. That way the Turkeys will squable about seating priorities, plummage dominance or shiny pebbles , and shuffle quietly into the back benches again.

  5. Gabriel says:

    Haha, this reminds me so much Simpsons “Bear Patrol” episode.
    In all seriousness, this is crazy, if some animal gets near you, instead of complaning about how crazy it is, just pick a stick and show why Homo Sapiens Sapiens is da best!

  6. DCBob says:

    First Fundamentalists, now Turkeys. Where will it end?

  7. scienceteacherinexile says:

    If you think Turkey are bad, you should see when monkeys come into populated areas and become aggressive. It is the idiots’ fault here as well who feed the things. Then, they will attack kids if they have snacks, and will get into your hotel room or house and tear the hell out of everything. They have to be killed as they pose a serious risk to people.
    If I were in Massachusetts I believe I would be enjoying a LOT of turkey sandwiches and smiling about not having to buy them from the deli.

  8. Rob says:

    Ahh, but here’s the spicey rub. As ya’ll may recall, the Boosh Family has long been cozy cozy and makin’ gravy with their fiendishly feathery friends.

  9. Doug says:

    Getting back at the Pilgrims, I guess–and it only took 400 years!

  10. HP says:

    This is nothing new. From approximately 1968 to 1974, Brookline suffered from an infestation of Jive Turkeys (Meleagrus ofay). Fortunately, it was discovered that disco balls would “dazzle” the Jive Turkeys, causing them to disperse further into exurbia.

  11. Troublesome Frog says:

    Out here in the eastern San Francisco Bay area, we have a few flocks of wild turkeys that cruise the neighborhood. They end up on my porch from time to time. They’re clearly not terrified of people, but they’re not particularly aggressive either. They’re only irritating when they get excited and noisy early in the morning or when you come out to your car to find turkeys standing on top of it. You do *not* want to drive a turkey port-a-potty.

  12. Yeah, here in Iowa we have a ton of wild turkeys. They’re pretty dumb, and seem to be attracted to my car…

  13. Sven DiMilo says:

    There’s a flock that controls traffic on the cloverleaf at the Lynn exit from 128. There’s a Dunks there too. Coincidence?

  14. sex shop says:

    thanks for all

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