Oh No! The Dominionists Are After Me

Dominionists for Tancredo 2012, that is. In response to this post about creationist wackaloons and giraffes, over at the Dominionists for Tancredo site, we find:

Evolutionists would have you believe that the giraffe neck “evolved” so it could reach food higher and higher in trees.
But God created the giraffe with a very specific purpose in mind: Noah needed a scout who could see far distances, searching for dry land.
After the Flood, and the water cleared, God rewarded the Giraffe for his good services by creating the acacia tree, whose leaves rise to a height that perfectly matches the height of the giraffes head.
If God waited for evolution to provide food for His giraffe, for example, by slowly reducing the height of the acacia tree until it matched the height of the giraffe, the latter would have clearly died of starvation long before evolution of the tree would have run its course.
These are the sort of obvious things evolutionists conveniently overlook.

I think Jesus’ General has some serious competition. And you should definitely check out the post on the Abortion Protest Industry.

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17 Responses to Oh No! The Dominionists Are After Me

  1. samk says:

    Oh my.

  2. Dr. Kate says:

    Wait, I’m confused. Didn’t Noah use birds to find dry land? Isn’t that the whole big deal with the dove, or whatever?

  3. Badger3k says:

    Dr Kate – that is a common misconception. When Noah released the doves, the Hebrew word used there is correctly translated as “giraffe”, but only for that use. Everywhere else, it actually refers to giraffes. Little known quirk of Hebrew, that.

  4. Why the fuck didn’t god just give Noah a motherfucking ladder!?

  5. Badger3k says:

    Dagnabbit – I meant “doves” for the second part. Can’t even do my apologeticizing correct. Gonna be a good day. Thank the district for Spring Break next week!

  6. moopheus says:

    Doesn’t that mean that god planned ahead for the flood? “I better make these giraffes really tall, because I can already tell that these people are going to fuck up, and the giraffes are gonna be needed when I have to wipe all the assholes off the face of the planet!” I guess that’s the good thing about being god and seeing all of time and all that.

  7. WTF? There’s so much wrong with this one doesn’t know where to star. Obviously the acacia wouldn’t evolve to lower its leaves to meet the giraffe. That would imply a) a guided purpose to evolution and b) even if there were purpose why would the tree want to make it easier to be eaten? Yes, there’s real selective pressure to try to get eaten by a giraffe.
    And if the person believes this what do they think the giraffes did before the Flood?

  8. Hmm, having looked over that site I’m beginning to think its a parody.

  9. exiled says:

    If the dominionists are after you you’re doing something right. Keep up the good work.

  10. Immunologist says:

    I agree with Joshua. This site is obviously a parody.

  11. Pineyman says:

    I do believe that colloquial North American English is being incorrectly interpreted here. Its not Dominionists, its Dumb Idiots List.
    That being said, further investigation has shown that elephants, with their large trunks, were utilized to provide secondary propulsion, sucking up and expelling water in directed steering patterns. Unfortunately, god only rewarded them with peanuts since the elephants steered the boat to a landing atop a frigging mountain, rather than some nicely fertile plain.

  12. jay says:

    Wait. If the giraffe was created for the flood, which according to Genesis was necessitate by the ‘fall’ of men and angels, that would imply that God was setting things up for a flood from the beginning. There’s lots of fundamentalists who would outright reject that proposition.

  13. CC says:

    Wait. I’m confused. When in this entire story does a finned Kevin Costner outwit a one-eyed Dennis Hopper?
    And since when could the “scout” giraffe communicate with Noah? God rewarded the giraffe not only with a perfect-height tree, but the loss of communication abilities?

  14. Mark Duigon says:

    Actually, Noah sent his son Shemp to scout for land. Shemp rode on the back of a Quetzalcoatalus. All he could find was a dry township, which he did not report upon his return to the Ark because he enjoyed his wine.

  15. Carla says:

    Did you notice that Rev. Paul T at DfT has a filing category called “How to spot a Negro.” Classy.

  16. Carla says:

    Oh, yup. Looked again. Clearly satire.

  17. Kurtalan says:

    Thanks Your..

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