The Joys of Non-Profit Organizations: Crazy People

Maybe the crazy people are out to get me after I exposed Giuliani’s Mistress of Woo. One of the interesting things about working at a health-oriented non-profit is that you occasionally receive letters and emails from people who feel the overwhelming need to convince you of their Overarching Pangalactic Theory of Everything. Here’s one recent missive from Visionary Positive Art, called “Open to Question”–as far as I can tell, it’s about the Virgin Birth:

Is the Virgin Mary the answer to salvation? Can a virgin have a child without having intercourse?
Many years ago, a newspaper published an article about an unusual birth. A boy took a bath and masturbated in the tub releasing his sperm into the water. His sister used the same bath water and became pregnant.
Young girls warn each other that if one drop of semen gets near their vagina, they can get into trouble.
Throughout nature there’s a time at which the female of any species becomes ready for reproduction. If the vagina’s of teen age girls were exposed to semen could they become pregnant without giving up their virginity?
A male ejaculation can release upwards of 100,000 sperm cells. Is the practice of forcing this sperm into the woman the ‘original sin’?
Is this method responsible for the birth of Siamese twins and children born with mongoloidism or the aging disease and other defects and deformities? Can all this suffering be caused by forced pregnancy?
Prophecy claims that the salvation of the world would come from virgins. Are sperm banks for virgins the answer to global overpopulation? If virgins could give birth, would the babies be as damaged as those which come into being through Intercourse?
Is the story of Mary the answer to stemming man’s approaching disaster?….or is the story just a myth?

For those of you keeping score at home, “Open to Question” is written in 24 point font BECAUSE WRITING IN REALLY LARGE TYPE IS THE BEST WAY TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS.

Now, you might be wondering: what is Visionary Positive Art? FUNNYFunny you should ask because the mystery letter writter (of course there’s no signatory. It’s not like the author is crazy or something…) enclosed another document, this time in HUMONGOUS ITALICIZED TYPE:

VPA uses the art media to research dimensions. It can prove that reality consists of, not one but, five dimensions. Visionary Positive Art can make the physical breakthrough but is blocked by the Art World’s inability to comprehend it’s importance. Art galleries can’t understand VPA because this form of art is more scientific than artistic. It is worked with a crisscrossing of 12 symbols evolving into 144. These symbols are then applied like crossword puzzles in twelve sets of twelve.
Splitting the dimensions has been the goal which all of mankind has been trying to reach throughout the ages. This can be achieved through the use of the VPA symbols. The triangle is focused upon as dimension one, taking everything that is in the universe. The circle is focused upon as dimension two, taking all of existence within itself. The square is focused upon as dimension three, taking in all that was, all that is and all that will be. By keeping the three symbols completely apart from one another, the fourth dimension of reality can be activated which can reach dimension five; the beyond.
VPA can’t release the actual information from this discovery. History tells us that because of their discoveries Galileo was accused of heresy and placed under house arrest for life, Columbus was brought home in chains and Pasteur was accused of murder. The VPA discovery is on that level. In speech or writing it would seem so impossible almost to the point of absolute stupidity and would antagonize and warrant physical rebuke.

I think we’ve finally found someone crazier than the creationists….

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2 Responses to The Joys of Non-Profit Organizations: Crazy People

  1. Jim says:

    Wait, is this person crazier than Time-Cube Guy? (
    Time-Cube-Guy is a classic–how often does a bona-fide crazy get to speak at MIT?

  2. michael schmidt says:

    Funny. At our university, we have a department for “Visual and Performing Arts,” which everyone calls VPA. I’m not sure they’d be completely opposed to adopting that last quote as a mission statement.

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