In case you missed it, early Sunday morning (3am or so), DOGE techbro and all-around asshole Edward “Big Balls” Coristine got his ass beat trying to stop a carjacking. According to some reports, there were ten juvenile assailants, though it’s unclear if that is true, two were arrested, one fourteen- and one fifteen-year old from Hyattsville, Maryland (the others escaped). While I’m not going to feel sorry for a putz (SWIDT?) like Mr. Big Balls, as he has been instrumental in making the lives of former colleagues and my neighbors miserable along with a whole bunch of other noxious shit, The Beating of Big Balls, unfortunately, will have ramifications for D.C. (we’ll get to crime policy in a bit).

Unlike sovereign states in these United States, the president has the ability to federalize the D.C. police force for 48 hours, essentially at his whim–and Trump definitely has whims, usually powered by the tv machine. Then Trump just needs to write a letter to Congress, claiming that there is a state of emergency in D.C., and he can continue to control the D.C. police for another thirty days (though this, in theory, can be challenged in court). Any longer than that, and he needs Congressional approval–from a supine, Republican-controlled Congress. So there’s a non-trivial chance that dick (SWIDT?) could use something like the Beating of Big Balls to take over the police force.

Needless to say, that would not be good, as Trump is currently pressuring the District to intensify policing efforts. Of course, his pressure and the resulting efforts didn’t protect Big Balls.

Regarding crime policy, it’s not certain how D.C. is supposed to stop a bunch of kids from fucking Maryland* who want to be Notorious from coming to D.C. and committing mayhem. It’s all the more ridiculous since D.C. has a citywide curfew for groups of teenagers. There also are targeted curfew zones where there is a heavy police presence–ironically, the Beating of Big Balls occurred two blocks south (about a two minute walk) of what a few weeks ago was one of the flooded curfew zones.

Also, the police responded quickly and arrested two of the alleged Big Ball Beaters. Short of being parked on Swann Street itself, I’m not sure what else the police could have done: people committed a violent crime, police responded, and arrested two (of the?) alleged suspects. Thinking about long-term mitigation policies, these were kids from Maryland**, not D.C., so the various youth programs designed to keep kids out of trouble wouldn’t have mattered.

But if the end result is stricter policing, this means D.C.’s young people will pay the cost, especially if resources are deployed to much safer neighborhoods.

So don’t waste your time feeling bad for Big Balls getting his ass kicked by teenagers, but worry about D.C., as we’ll be the ones paying the cost.

*And note that no one is talking about federalizing Maryland‘s police.

**If they had been from Georgia, D.C.’s youth programs would have equally effective, which is to say, not at all.